Honesty

Okay, I've been thinking about writing about this for the past couple of weeks but then David told me my blog had gotten kind of a negative tone lately so I held off on writing. So, if you don't want to read some negativity, you might want to head over to this site instead Cute Overload because it'll make you feel good.

I couldn't get pregnant. And I really wanted to be pregnant. More than anything I think I had ever wanted in the past. I wanted to be pregnant so badly I got down on my knees in the bathroom before I shot myself up with fertility drugs and begged God to let it work this month. It never worked. I was so mad at God. Why didn't he hear my prayers? And why didn't he answer them? And why did people who didn't seem remotely interested in their children keep producing child after child after child? It was so not fair. I mean, it was the not fairest of the not fair. I quit going to church for a while because if God didn't listen to me, why in the world should I even attempt to listen to him? Infertility is, without a doubt, one of the most painful experiences in the world. It's incredibly isolating and if you haven't experienced it, it's very difficult to understand. Being told to "relax" or "maybe it will happen next month" is almost insulting. Because that's what you told yourself every month when you went to the doctor 3 times a week, when you had 50 ultrasounds that showed that the drugs you kept taking hadn't worked again or when the doctor told you that it was time to pursue more aggressive treatment. After almost a year of "less aggressive" treatment, we were told our next step was IVF. And that was the end of it for me. I never went back to the reproductive endocrinologist and I finally threw away all my leftover syringes and vials of medicine about a month ago. Adoption has healed a large part of my heart that was broken by infertility. But waiting for our daughter has created a new sort of pain.

We've been waiting almost a year since our paperwork was sent over to China. But really, we've been waiting since September of 2004 when we got approved by our adoption agency to start the adoption paperwork. That's a long time. The nursery is ready. I've had two showers because, like a fool, I was sure we would have been to China and come back by now. And still, we wait. Being told that "your baby just isn't ready for you yet" is almost the same as being told to relax or even worse, "you'll get pregnant as soon as you decide to adopt." I don't believe that our baby isn't ready for us yet, nor do I believe that we aren't ready for her. We just hit the timeline at just the wrong time and we're caught up in this massive slowdown that seems like it will never end. Referrals went through June 15 this month. That's 9 days. Which means next month, we'll just barely miss the cutoff or we'll just barely make it. It's so up in the air that I don't even know what to think. I try not to think about it too much because I start to feel the anger again. I've gotten to the point where thinking about going to China or getting our referral just makes me tired. I feel numb and it's almost like I don't care. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then maybe next month. And if it doesn't happen next month, maybe the next.

I'm sure when we have our referral and all this is in the past, I will look back at this entry and think, "How stupid" but I want to remember it. I want Maggie to know how much we wanted her and how much we thought about her before we knew each other. This has not been an easy journey. It's so difficult to wait for someone that you don't know but love so much already that you almost can't breathe when you think about her. So, until that day, we wait and try to "relax."