Just stuff

I've been feeling kind of weird lately. David and I are getting ready to start paperchasing for our next adoption. However, our options seem so horribly limited at this time. China is essentially at a standstill. I knew when we were in China in 2006 that we would be back. The day that we received Maggie, I knew she wasn't going to be our only child. I just don't know what's going to happen next. We are leaning towards the special needs route at this time because, to be honest, it's faster. I felt like God was nudging at my heart regarding special needs when we had been home for a year with Maggie and could re-submit our dossier. It's just scary to think about. Adoption is already a lot of unknowns. Compounding the expected unknowns along with a medical issue, whether it be minor or major, is even scarier. I don't know what we can handle. And I know, when it's your child, you can handle anything, but what if we can't? And more pressing, to me, anyways, is I don't know what we can afford. Multiple surgeries are just not in the budget for us which knocks out cleft lip/cleft palate and limb differences. As I look over the waiting child lists, there are so many medical issues that I have to refer to Dr. Google. I've never heard of some of these conditions and I don't always understand the websites that are supposed to explain them. I kind of knocked David for a loop last night when I told him that I had been worrying about all this stuff and wasn't even sure if I wanted to proceed with another adoption. But I know that I do. I just don't want to wait for 5 years for a referral. I want Maggie and her sister to be closer in age than that. No, I'm going to be selfish. I don't want to wait that long for my child. I want her home with us. Not sitting in some orphanage across the world, waiting, just as we wait.

When we were waiting for Maggie, I was always sort of scathing of parents who already had kids but were waiting for a referral. I thought, "They could never feel the longing that I do for my child. They already HAVE kids. How can they be so sad? It's not possible." But now, I know. It is possible. You can have all the love in the world for your child who's at home with you but when you know that you have another child somewhere, nothing can fill that ache, that hole in your heart. And so, as 2008 begins, we have decisions to make. What will the outcome be? I have no idea. I read somewhere that "if God will lead you to it, God will lead you through it." If God planted that seed for our second child way back when we were in China to meet our first daughter, I have to trust that He will nurture that seed into a beautiful, blossoming plant.